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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.